The promise of happiness is one of the main reasons people buy things. Happiness often seems like one of our most important life goals. Our society seems to be obsessed with being happy. That’s why fear and pain sell so well.
Most people don’t consciously understand that we are in control of our happiness. Being happy is a mindset that stops yearning for the future and instead appreciates what you have currently. And that’s the trick to being happy with what we already have.
But before jumping into how we can be happy today, it’s worth considering…
Why Am I Not Happy?
We’re conditioned to believe that we need external things to make us happy. But the sad truth behind this approach is that we’ll never have enough to satisfy our desires.
With this mindset we’ll continue to compare ourselves against friends, colleagues and neighbours. Our personal possessions and status will determine our own worth and, in turn, also our level of happiness.
But there’s no keeping up with the Joneses.
Having Happiness as a Goal
One of the main reasons we aren’t happy is that we see happiness as something that needs to be achieved. That often means gaining status and possessions as our means to finally being happy.
The problem here is that we can only ever have so much. Then, once we achieve new heights, the bar for happiness will also be raised. With this yardstick, our happiness is valued against our last peak of happiness. “I got promoted, which is great… But the raise was only 10% and it was 20% last time!”
We should never do things to be happy. First, we should take a step back and realise that being happy is within our control today.
I get a lot of pushback on this idea, because “what about this terrible thing that happened to me”.
I think we need to stop being victims to things that happen in our lives.
Without trying to sound too harsh, life isn’t always easy. It’s all too common to lose a loved one, get laid off from a job or to develop a terrible disease. We need to start taking responsibility for our lives and rolling with the punches.
Be Happy like Epictetus
What I really respect is people in the worst conditions having positive attitudes towards life. One of the best examples I came across in my Stoicism research is the great philosopher Epictetus.
Born a slave, Epictetus literally translates from Greek as the acquired. In addition to growing up a slave, Epictetus also had a disabled leg. No stranger to adversity, Epictetus worked and studied his way out of slavery.
Here are some of my favourite Epictetus quotes.
It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. — Epictetus
No man is free who is not master of himself. — Epictetus
Epictetus is a great role model within Stoicism, as he teaches how to deal with adversity in life. He makes it clear that it’s more important to uphold our cardinal virtues than to have desirable status and possessions.
Lack of Gratitude
We’re unhappy when we forget about all the little miracles we have in our lives. Most of us have friends, family and lovable colleagues that make life worthwhile. We have disposable income we can spend on whatever we like – whether nights out at the local pub or trips around the world.
Not to mention the fact that we have a live connection to the rest of the world that fits in our pockets. Access to our favourite sports, hobbies and other activities. Enough money to buy a new book or visit the cinema. There are countless activities we can fill our lives with.
Even the food we eat and the roof over our shoulders are a blessing! Many people in the world don’t have the same luxuries.
There is so much joy and freedom in our daily lives that it can be easy to forget when we get stuck in bad habit cycles. It’s important to acknowledge the good in the bad and the bad in the good.
If your life is always easy, then you’re not learning anything. We should hope for daily challenges, because these are opportunities to prove our growth. Hercules would never have become Hercules if he sat on his sofa drinking wine all day. He grew by challenging himself by fighting each new monster. The obstacle is the way. Life should be challenging.
Every cloud has a silver lining, and every rose has its thorns.
Relying on Happiness from External Sources
When we find ourselves unhappy, we need to realise that happiness must come from within. We need to stop the mentality that “I’ll be happy when X”.
I tend to think of happiness as a switch that we can all flip whenever we’re ready. We just have to be conscious of the decision and believe it to be true.
There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will. — Epictetus
If we really want to be happy, we should not expect for everything we have now to stay the same. After all, change is the nature of the universe. We should also not expect things to change in our favour.
On this point, it’s worth practicing negative visualisation as a way to humble ourselves. When we visualise losing everything we have, we learn to accept the fleeting nature of things. This helps us remain calm in turbulent times, because the idea of losing something or someone close to us will not be as unexpected.
We must distance ourselves from the status and possessions that we feel give our lives value. Really, we are what’s valuable.
My Experience Being Unhappy
I’ve been unhappy in my life. And I’ve seen this come primarily from a victim mentality. In a certain period of my life, I felt like I deserved more and that I was being under-appreciated at work.
I felt my employer didn’t understand my unique skills and that my personal development often didn’t align with my daily tasks.
There’s a few concepts to unpack there. Personally, the big realisation hit me after I took an online Stoicism course during the first lockdown. I learned to separate my actions from their outcomes to gain a little objectivity — the dichotomy of control.
After my Stoic review, I realised that I worked at the company so I could afford to pay my bills each month. They did not owe me personal fulfilment. And in return I did not owe them the next 4 decades of my career.
This is a two-way relationship that will only continue until one of the parts deems the other unsuitable. I’m in control of evaluating the company’s suitability to my needs. And I must take responsibility for leaving when the time is right.
From this position, I respected the company in a new way. They do not owe me happiness, but I can still enjoy the process while I work towards my own goals. After all, I feel landing a job at another company would not fulfil me anymore than my working at my current company.
This realisation has helped me refocus my energy around creating the life that excites me to wake up each morning. That means one day at a time working toward building my own business. Whether that be the attempts I made at launching a startup, or simply starting this website.
How Can I Be Happy with What I Already Have?
Now that we’ve run through why we might be unhappy, being happy starts to seem pretty straightforward. We just need to learn how to be happy like a Stoic.
Be Happy Now
Think of it like a switch that you control. Happiness is not something that just happens to you. Nor is it something that you must aspire to. Everyone deserves to be happy. Right now. And that includes YOU! So practice being happy right now!
Don’t paint yourself as a victim. Take responsibility for your life and everything you do. Do what makes you happy. Take whatever action you need to start being happy right now.
You deserve to be happy right now.
Stop pretending you’re perfect, and stop blaming other people.
Just be happy with what you have right now.
Stop Comparing Yourself To Other People
Everyone is unique. We have our own strengths and weaknesses. Often we don’t see other people’s weaknesses, and we overlook our own strengths as being average.
We really need to stop comparing ourselves to other people. Especially, because there isn’t just one scale for being a great human. Miles Davis was a great jazz player, and Ben Franklin was a great nation builder. But it would never make sense to compare them. They both had their own unique skills that the other could not do.
I doubt Miles Davis ever thought to himself, “I want to be respected, but I’ll never be like Ben Franklin”. Because that’s just silly.
We are all individuals with a wide array of unique skills and personalities. Instead, we should focus on learning to love ourselves and figure out what makes us unique.
We should only ever compare our accomplishments to ourselves. After all, that’s the only way we can appreciate how far we’ve come.
Do things that make you happy
Start being happy today! Break the habit cycle and do something today just because you enjoy it.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
- Get lunch from your favourite takeaway spot
- Go for a swim at the local pool
- If it’s a sunny day, take a walk barefoot in the park
- Make plans with a friend (or friends) for the evening to grab dinner or drinks
Once in a while, we can plan a larger event with friends, a loved one or even alone. Traveling and new activities are great fodder for good times. I’ve already planned my holidays for the year and I’m excited to be visiting both Portugal and the Bahamas for the first time in 2022.
I’m also excited to show my girlfriend around Sweden this summer and for her to host me in Spain for a few weeks. Since the pandemic, I’ve learned to find these opportunities and enjoy life to its fullest.
These plans make me happy now. There is so much opportunity for joy in life.
Final Thoughts on Being Happy Right Now
I’ve already mentioned this a few times in today’s article, but I really think of happiness as a switch. If you’re aware it’s there, you can easily flip it on whenever. We don’t need to accomplish anything to be happy.
Happiness shouldn’t be a goal we strive for. If it is, it becomes a fleeting target. Instead, we should allow ourselves to be happy right now.
We should be grateful for everything we currently have. It’s especially worth noting that happiness comes from within, not from external sources. We shouldn’t need new possessions or status to feel good about ourselves. Disconnecting from these consumer-centric beliefs is one of the most powerful ways to start feeling happy today.
So how can we be happy right now? First, stop comparing yourself to others, because we’re all unique individuals.
Only compare yourself to your past self. Then, check your progress and do things that make you happy! Do the little things today and plan bigger things over the next few weeks and months.
At least, that’s my approach to being happy with what I have.
Let us know your thoughts on the Mind & Practice approach below!