Why Should We Manage Our Expectations?
Expectations are beliefs that we set for the future. They are usually based on past experiences and set a baseline for what we believe we deserve. Unmet expectations often make us feel cheated. Somehow, we believe we should have more.
On the flip side, expectations that meet our standards are never fully appreciated. Once internalised, we confuse our expectations with reality. So while the disadvantages severely outweigh the advantages, most of us continue to have expectations, many of which are unrealistic.
Hope vs Expectation
Expectations are contracts our minds make with our future selves. When these expectations go unmet, we’ll probably be disappointed – maybe even upset.
Hope, on the other hand, is simply a wish for the future, and therefore flexibly adjusts to reality. It’s nice to have but doesn’t ruin your day when it goes unmet.
Hope implies that the future is always uncertain and we can still have a positive outlook on life.
How Does Mindfulness Help Us Manage Our Expectations?
Mindfulness allows us to take a step back, review our internal thought processes and question when something negative impacts our mental health. Without mindfulness, we may not even realise the impact our expectations have on us.
Setting expectations is a slippery slope. We can ruin many days unnecessarily by wanting everything to live up to our expectations. It is better to live life with positive hope than unrealistic expectations.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
The Serenity Prayer
This prayer aligns directly with the Stoic Dichotomy of Control, the Stoic To Do list and embracing fate with amor fati.
Though they stop us from fully appreciating the moment, expectations don’t offer any tangible rewards. If anything they’re prone to make us less happy with what we have.
Living in the moment
Rather than questioning everything in our lives and feeling we deserve better, we can learn to live in the moment and enjoy what we have. Expectations are another way of not appreciating the life you have.
Rather than being disappointed, unmet expectations can be a goldmine for self-correction. By living in the moment, we can learn from experience and understand where we let ourselves down. In this way, we can pinpoint which of our expectations are unrealistic to have.
Meditation and Stoic mindfulness are two great ways to gain perspective and cognitive distance.
Managing healthy expectations
Just as we must accept whatever happens as truth, it is also important to maintain healthy expectations. The best way to develop healthy expectations is to simply not expect anything. Hope is a more mindful approach to future events.
If we can lower our tolerance of events outside of our control, we minimise the friction in our lives.
Flying expectations
We can give a few examples on expectations related to flying.
Let’s say in one scenario, you expected to have a window seat – but when you get your ticket, it’s an aisle seat (or God forbid, a middle seat). It’s better to hope for a window seat, as the future is uncertain and nothing is guaranteed.
In the second scenario, you buy a first class ticket, expecting a luxurious ride with free WiFi. Disappointment occurs when you realise the WiFi is out of order. Even worse is the idea of being downgraded to Coach because first class is overbooked.
At the end of the day, we fly through the air, miraculously like a bird, partaking in human flight. As Louie CK puts it, “Everything is amazing and nobody is happy”.
Live the Middle Way
Gautama Buddha discovered the Noble Eightfold Path, which he described as the “Middle Way”, a life of moderation between sensual indulgence and self-mortification in pursuit of spiritual liberation.
We can learn to manage our expectations by being present in the moment, managing healthy expectations and living the life of moderation described in the Buddha’s “Middle Way”.
Learn to manage expectations with mindfulness and Mind & Practice today.