It’s easy to get carried away when somebody insults us. Depending on the situation, it can signal that the insulter doesn’t like us or simply wants to broadcast our flaws to the world.
As a practical philosophy, Stoicism teaches how we can live our best daily lives. One such lesson is how to best deal with insults.
Several great Stoics offered their own take on managing insults. In today’s post, we’re diving into the Stoic approach to insults.
But first, we’ll start with a few points on approval-seeking behaviour.
Stop Seeking Approval
It’s easy to get carried away by someone else’s opinions. We might take it personally when someone expresses dislike for something about us.
It’s important to remember that what we think about ourselves is much more important than what anyone else thinks.
We need to let down our guard and stop pretending to be perfect. We need to be self-aware and show our true selves to the world.
When somebody points out something negative about us, we have two options. Either we take their criticism constructively and consider what to do about it. Or we just disregard it.
We will never make everyone happy, but we can always stay true to ourselves. That might make ourselves happy.
This was a profound lesson I learned from the book, No More Mr Nice Guy.
Stay True to Yourself
We should know what’s best for ourselves.
That’s why your friends might not like your partner, your parents might not approve of your job and people you meet at parties might now appreciate your sense of humour.
None of that matters. You shouldn’t have to agree with them.
I’m a firm believer of developing supportive and non-judgmental relationships with friends, family and other close ones. Just because our values don’t align doesn’t mean I disagree with you live your life.
There’s no standard checklist or roadmap out there. We need to figure out what we really want, then work these goals into our personal plans.
Making a little progress towards our goals everyday is what matters.
We should shrug off any praise we receive from others. Indeed, Epictetus believed that other people’s admiration correlated negatively with Stoic practice.
The best we can do in any moment is work towards our own personal goals.
Know Your Values
Caring what other people think about us brings us to a point of diminishing returns. A healthy dose of feedback is beneficial until we start taking feedback as gospel.
The Stoics taught that our values should build on the four core virtues of Wisdom, Justice, Courage and Self-discipline. And channeling this wisdom allows us to make the right decisions without needing anyone else’s approval.
Beyond the four core values, we’re all individuals with our own priorities.
While someone else may value relationships and community above all else, my personal values centre around learning, creativity and new experiences. Of course, my Stoic mindfulness practice also helped me understand the value of kindness.
We’ll never please everyone. That’s why we should always care more what we think about ourselves than what other people think.
Respond to Insults with Kindness
While it ultimately doesn’t matter what other people think, we should always treat everyone with kindness and respect. Just because somebody insults us does not mean that we should resort to hating that person.
We must detach from our own opinions of ourselves and guarding these from other people. We shouldn’t get angry or sad when someone disapproves of us.
Kindness is invincible, but only when it’s sincere, with no hypocrisy or faking. For what can even the most malicious person do if you keep showing kindness and, if given the chance, you gently point out where they went wrong— right as they are trying to harm you? — Marcus Aurelius
With insults specifically, we should not let someone else impact how we feel. This concept comes from the dichotomy of control. We need to separate between what we can control and what we can’t.
Treating everyone respectfully, regardless of how they treat us, is something in our control.
How to Manage Insults like a Stoic
The Stoic’s ultimate goal in life is to attain tranquility. This means that we follow our virtue and focus on things in our control.
Living virtuously, we treat everyone with a consistent level of respect. It doesn’t matter what other people do, we should always live in harmony with the world and our personal values.
Even people who offend us deserve respect. After all, we can’t control other people’s opinions but we can control our own thoughts and actions. Additionally, this approach allows us to cultivate the virtue of justice.
That’s why it’s our responsibility to control our temper when others offend us.
The Stoics developed several techniques to prevent themselves from being aggravated by insults. The Stoic sting elimination strategy starts by pausing after someone insults us.
After we’ve paused, we can take one of several approaches. This will depend on the specific situation and the insulter’s intent.
Accept the Truth
In one example, someone might mock us for being bald. If we are bald, then this statement is true.
“Why is it an insult to be told what is self-evident?”
Seneca
And why would we be offended by something that is true?
Forgive Other’s Misinformation
In other cases, the insulter might be misinformed. Someone who is well-intentioned may insult us if they have their facts wrong.
That’s why Epictetus recommends pausing to consider how well-informed the insulter is. If they believe what they’re saying, the best tactic is to simply set the facts straight.
Accept Constructive Criticism
It also helps to consider the person offering the insult. If you respect the person and value their opinion, you should not be upset.
For example, it would be foolish to be upset when your music teacher criticises your playing. It’s constructive feedback from someone with more experience.
They just want to help you improve.
Reverse Insults from People You Don’t Respect
On the other hand, if we don’t respect the insulter, we can be relieved by their insults. If that person disapproves, we’re certainly doing the right thing.
People who insult us intentionally are best compared to overgrown children. And as the adults, it would be foolish for us to be upset by something a child says. Rather than deserve our anger or frustration, these people deserve our pity.
We shouldn’t go through life seeking approval or avoiding disapproval. That’s why Marcus Aurelius compared insults to barking dogs. After all, it doesn’t matter if a dog doesn’t like you.
Epictetus reminds us again that it helps to know that we are the source of the sting accompanying an insult. It’s our judgment of the insults that hurts most.
What upsets people is not things themselves, but their judgments about these things. —Epictetus
That’s why we focus on what we can control.
Do Nothing
If none of the other tactics apply, we might choose to simply do nothing. We can remain quiet and shrug off their insults and slights.
People don’t have the power to hurt you. Even if someone shouts abuse at you or strikes you, if you are insulted, it is always your choice to view what is happening as insulting or not. If someone irritates you, it is only your own response that is irritating you. Therefore, when anyone seems to be provoking you, remember that it is only your judgment of the incident that provokes you. Don’t let your emotions get ignited by mere appearances.
Epictetus
Try not to merely react in the moment. Pull back from the situation. Take a wider view; compose yourself.
Epictetus
Saying nothing is clearly better than falling into the trap of a heated discussion. Using the art of katalepsis allows us to approach such difficult situations with indifference.
But perhaps the most effective remedy against insults is humour.
Dealing with Insults Using Humor
Cato, a Stoic during the Roman Republic, once pleaded a case in court when an adversary spit in his face. Rather than become upset, Cato calmly wiped off the spit on his face and said:
I will swear to anyone that people are wrong that you cannot use your mouth.
This clever rebuttal allowed Cato to react to the despicable act while keeping the high ground.
Stoics also told the story of Socrates when he was walking in Athens and someone punched him in the head. Socrates simply quipped that it’s such a nuisance that we never know if we’ll need a helmet when we go out.
Self-deprecating humour is particularly effective for insults. That’s because making fun of yourself enough will stop others from finding it funny anymore.
Humour is particularly effective, because it questions the insulter’s competence. It signals that we don’t take the insult or insulter seriously. In this sense, humour is an indirect insult.
“After all”, you might say, “if the insulter knew me well enough, he would have pointed out much worse failings”.
Not responding to an insult shows that we don’t have time for the insulter’s childish antics.
This rhetoric is deeply frustrating to the insulter. Much more than any counter-insult could be.
When to Respond to an Insult
The only time we should ever respond to an insult is to change the insulter’s future behaviour.
For example, if a student makes a rude remark humour signals acceptance, you should react. Not doing so would signal that such behaviour is acceptable in the classroom.
We should respond to this behaviour not because we were wronged, but because we wish to change their behaviour in the future.
When Someone Doesn’t Like You
With annoying people, wee should think about our own shortcomings so we can forgive them for theirs. Other people are destined to act a specific way, so we shouldn’t be upset when they do.
People shouldn’t succeed in destroying our charitable feelings toward them. We should treat them with respect and kindness, regardless of their actions toward us.
After all, good and virtuous men don’t harbour grudges. Virtue and tranquility should be our primary goal in life.
We should not go through life seeking others approval or avoiding their disapproval. Think instead of barking dogs.
Managing Insults with Stoicism in a Nutshell
When we’re dealing with insults, the first step we need to take is to stop seeking the approval of others. We should stay true to ourselves and know our values. This is one of the few things in life that’s within our control.
We should also learn to respond to insults with kindness. After all, we should treat everyone with respect. Even those we feel have wronged us.
Going a step further, we can manage insults like a Stoic. We can take the Stoic approach by accepting the truth, forgiving other’s misinformation or accepting constructive criticism. We might even reverse insults from the people we don’t respect.
Stoics have also used humour to respond to insults. It’s a sort of meta-insult that signals to the insulter that they’re not worth our insults.
Each of these Stoic approaches is an infuriating reaction for the insulter to get from you.
Learn to manage insults with Stoicism and Mind & Practice today.