We’ve all had moments when we knew we had to say something to someone but weren’t sure how to phrase it. It’s important not to shy away from important conversations. After all, the ability to have difficult conversations is one of the biggest indicators for success later in life.
Conflict allows us to express our discontent to the people around us, so we can work together to find a solution. So why is it that we shy away from difficult conversations? And how do we best approach these conflicts in daily life while remaining positive?
That’s the focus of this topic, so let’s put our minds to practice.
Why might we avoid difficult conversations?
At the root of each difficult conversation is a problem, and problems can be scary. However, most of this fear is within our own minds. The problem is not as large scary as our anxiety makes us believe.
Problems can upset us because they represent something missing in our lives. They can also give us negative emotions that make it difficult to have a rational conversation. Past experiences with difficult conversations may even have involved us getting so emotional that it stunted the progress we hoped to make with the conversation.
Managing Conflict Self-Righteously
The key to self-righteous conflict is having good intentions. Good intentions usually stem from our core virtues and include values such as justice and kindness. We can ensure our intentions are good by taking the proactive step of planning our difficult conversations beforehand.
The key to having proactive difficult conversations is following a simple three step process.
The three-step process
We want to cover each of these points in our interaction:
1. Explain how the problem affects you
2. Make sure the other person knows you’re not blaming them
3. Propose a solution and work together to find the optimal solution
This three-step process has a few key objectives. First, we’re rationalising the problem by explaining how it impacts us. This also helps the person we’re speaking to empathise with our needs.
Step two clarifies that we know the other person is not acting maliciously and that we want to have a healthy, proactive discussion.
The proposed solution is a way forward that helps you meet your needs. There may be compromise at this step, as the other person may have their own thoughts on solving the challenge.
Managing Conflict with Finesse
After you know the simple formula behind a healthy conflict and you’re not afraid to dive into conflict, you can begin to improve your method by adding some finesse.
The four pointers below are a good place to start if you want to build on your conflict management abilities.
Be Clear
First of all, you need to be clear about the issue. You need to communicate the reason your problem is a big deal for you and, where possible, how it affects the other person.
You should know your objective with the conversation. Having thought through the solution beforehand means you can choose the method that solves the issue most efficiently or effectively.
However, it’s not enough to be clear about yourself. You can develop the conflict beyond your own problems by adopting a mindset of inquiry. Try to be aware of each person’s pain points, and you might find an unexpected solution that benefits everyone. Being clear in your communication can leave everyone better off.
Try to relate and understand
It’s easy to get emotional when we feel under pressure or victimised. Managing the emotions is key to keeping a cool head during difficult conversations. Most people are best off trying to be rational during difficult times.
Emotions are important, but the key here is that we don’t succumb to negative emotions like anxiety, fear or anger. We need cognitive distance to ensure we remain calm and fair.
We can use Stoicism to remain calm in difficult conversations. It also helps to cultivate non-judgment when we try to empathise with someone else.
It also helps to be comfortable with silence. Don’t feel compelled to fill every silent gap. Sometimes people need time to react and think. Additionally, being comfortable with silence during a difficult situation shows confidence, which is a convincing characteristic in itself.
At the end of the day, we need to realise that we’re dealing with another person – a person with their own strengths, weaknesses and problems. A priority in difficult conversations should be to preserve the relationship.
We should always live up to our own definition of virtue, which hopefully includes showing everyone respect. Additionally, it helps to not burn bridges. Being consistent helps you show off your amazing character.
Solve the problem
At the end of the day, the reason we need to have difficult conversations is so that we can solve a problem. Develop your conflict resolution skills by remaining calm, keeping a positive attitude and using active listening and communication during the interaction. This should help you get your point across and achieve your goal.
It also helps to manage your reaction to thwarting ploys, such as sarcasm or accusation. It can be too easy to react to such ploys combatively, when the best reaction is usually to call out the ploy for what it is. Sara Carmichael’s article on Difficult Conversations in the Harvard Business Review offers additional tips on managing difficult situations.
Sometimes difficult conversations are the obstacle that become the way forward.
Before you start…
Before you start the conversation, it helps to do some groundwork first. For example, you might want to consider the best location for the conversation beforehand. It also helps to have a list of the key points – your problem(s) and recommended solution.
In general, it helps to think through your opening line. You shouldn’t rehearse your conversation beforehand, but it could be useful to know how the conversation might start. That way, you hit the ground running without any awkward or unclear introductions, and you can reach your solution sooner rather than later.
Difficult Conversations in a Nutshell
Difficult conversations can be scary, but that’s usually just an indication of how important it is. As we mentioned earlier, knowing how to resolve issues by having difficult conversations is one of the biggest success factors in life.
Luckily, having difficult conversations isn’t that scary when we can apply a framework to the interaction. That’s why we presented the three step process that starts with explaining the problem and ends with recommending a solution.
There are also a few tips to keep in mind when developing your conflict resolution skills. First of all, we need to be clear with our communication. We also need to try and relate to the other person and proactively solve the problem. It also helps to think through the interaction beforehand to kickstart the conversation.
The importance of difficult conversations can’t be overstated, and it’s always worth trying to improve our conflict resolution skills. The benefits are ours to reap.